A little while ago, I had a coaching session in which a key theme was reconciliation. We talked about forgiveness and what that really meant. What was the motivation in seeking reconciliation? What outcomes were desired? Was it for the other person to apologise and admit they had been in the wrong? Or to say I value your friendship and I would very much like to make things ok between us again. Can we talk?
This is what I think forgiveness is about. You can’t control how other people will act, and if you allow their actions to dictate your responses, you can end up becoming resentful and bitter.
I think forgiveness is for your own peace, to allow yourself to move forward. If it’s conditional on the other person being sorry, what happens if they aren’t? If you make forgiveness a contract, you bind yourself to only being able to give if the other person does their bit. It doesn’t need to be reciprocal. It is, I think, fundamentally about saying: “I send you peace. I let go of this pain.”
– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd