On Wednesday night I was struggling to be mindful. I wrote this that night, and wanted to share my experience with you.
Took myself off to rugby training and did the best I could to work around the knee (I’ve injured it again). Was pretty pleased that I was able to engage with everything other than the team runs and a few of the drills. But I’m really quite irritated with one of the coaches at the moment.
As I write this I am stepping back to observe what I’m feeling and thinking. My conclusion is that I’m feeling quite defensive. Rugby has a way of bringing this out in me; I often feel like I’m on the periphery of the team and not good enough.
But you see, this is not actually anything to do with the team or the standard of my playing. What with having been away for so long, the old insecurities are all jostling for room beneath the surface. My passing was totally off and I’d already been feeling discouraged so when I was called ‘a bit kamikaze’ for the first time in my life it was a quick hop from defensive to bristling and protesting.
Rationally, I know he was right; it was a bit all over the place, and I did clear him out much better the next time. But I didn’t want to hear it, because as usual I feel like I should be much better at rugby by now. I feel like an outsider, just like I did in school. So the (legitimate) criticism made all my automatic barriers go up.
So I’m looking at all these thoughts right now. I have an attachment to a conceptualised self that always performs. I’m triggering memories that have no place in the present. I’m making a conscious effort, right now, to let this go.
– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd