Timelessness

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Meister Eckhart, the 13th-century philosopher, theologian and mystic, said this: “Time is what keeps the light from reaching us. There is no greater obstacle to God than time.”

I was talking with a good friend last week about nothing existing outside the Now. If you are forever attached to the past or the future, how will you ever live in the time that is ever truly available to us? Right Here you can access quiet space and silence. Right Now you can have inner peace. In the eternal present your consciousness can be alert and alive. You can always cope with the Now. Let tomorrow take care of itself, and leave the past in the past. Realise that you are strong enough and resourceful enough to get through whatever life situation you are in.

Sit with me for a moment. Close your eyes and feel the breeze on your face. Take a deep breath and feel your chest expanding, and the air entering and leaving your lungs. Release the tension that you are holding in your brow, your jaw, your shoulders, and listen to the sounds of the world around you. Is your mind crowded with thoughts? Are you worried or apprehensive about the future? Witness those thoughts, hold them and accept them, and then let them go. In this moment you are free of time, and you are holding the light.

“Salvation is not elsewhere in place and time. It is now.” – Eckhart Tolle

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

The eternal present

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“The eternal present is the space within which your whole life unfolds, the one factor that remains constant. Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be.” – Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Life is now. It has to be. All we are able to do happens in the now. If you are are forever focused on the past or future, you get locked in time, always reliving a memory or rehearsing what is only an imagined possible future. Either condemn you to never truly living.

If not now, when?

Artwork from @timothygoodman

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Letting go and embracing the present

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There’s a quote from Lao Tzu that goes like this: “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” Growing often requires letting go. It’s when we stop clinging on to the past that we are able to harness the opportunities of the present.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Resilience

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I bend, I don’t break.
I always bounce back.

Do you use any of these metaphors when you talk or think about resilience? Personally, I like the picture of resilience that’s summed up by this plant.

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It illustrates nicely the definition given by Carole Pemberton (2015) in Coaching for Resilience:

The capacity to remain flexible in our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours when faced by a life disruption, or extended periods of pressure, so that we emerge from difficulty stronger, wiser, and more able. 

In other words, resilience is gradual adaptation in the face of adversity.  Being resilient doesn’t mean you have to be somehow invulnerable to life’s hard knocks – it’s all about learning and growth, and the ability to steer your way constructively through difficulty. I think the danger of the popular characterisation of ‘bouncing back’ is that it gives the impression that recovering from setbacks is as effortless and instantaneous as the rebound of a rubber ball. You just pick yourself up and carry on as you were, utterly unchanged by the event. Except you’re not.

Even if you’re of the true grit school of thought, it’s important to recognise that resilience isn’t a you’ve-either-got-it-or-you-don’t thing; it’s a continuum. Life continually tests us, and our ability to respond well to this can vary depending on context and domain. You may be able to cope very well with pressure in your professional life, but feel crushed by the breakdown of a personal relationship. You may historically have had no problems navigating the ups and downs of life, but find yourself unexpectedly and completely derailed after being made redundant. Our resilience can become overwhelmed in all sorts of different ways – and we will all respond differently, too.1,2

I find it useful looking at this from the perspective of the three-factor model that combines the effects of genetics, external protective factors, and learning (diagram below adapted from Pemberton, 2015):

3-factor model of resilience

What this tells us is that although some people may be more naturally resilient than others, resilience isn’t just a product of our personality. Research has also shown the important contributions made by the support networks around us (the availability of ‘secure attachment’) and what we learn from experience. That latter factor is probably most crucial for me. I love the way Ann Masten puts it: resilience, she says, is ‘ordinary magic’: something we develop through the demands of living. I love this because it marks it out as something that can be available to all of us, even if we haven’t had the most fortunate start in life.

So how, then, can we cultivate resilience? It’s worth spending some time thinking about these factors:

  1. Finding meaning
    I’ve written before about purpose as a key factor in what drives us – the desire to connect to a greater and meaningful cause. Purpose gives us direction and a reason to keep going. What purpose can you find in what you may be going through? What can you take from this experience that you can channel positively into something meaningful?
  2. Flexibility
    Fixed patterns of thinking stop us being able to see the larger picture and its possibilities for learning and growth. How can I widen my perspective? What other ways are there to think about this situation? What can I learn from this setback?(For more on this, I recommend Carol Dweck’s work on fixed and growth mindsets.)
  3. Support
    What company am I keeping? Resilience is not developed in social isolation. What positive and mutually supportive relationships can I build?
  4. Mindfulness
    Pain is typically seen as a problem. Mindfulness helps us learn to detach from our negative thoughts and feelings in order to observe and accept them without becoming trapped in them – moving forward despite them, rather than trying to remove them from our lives. As Camus says, the human condition is absurd. But man’s freedom, and the opportunity to give life meaning, lies in the acceptance of absurdity.
  5. Proactivity
    What action are you taking? Sometimes all we need to get ourselves out of a pit is to take back control – by taking one small step at a time.
  6. Perspective and taking responsibility
    Ask yourself these questions: What can you control about this situation? What contribution are you making to it?

What someone needs in order to help them become more resilient will of course vary. In coaching, there are many tools that can be drawn upon, including mindfulness, cognitive-behavioural approaches, narrative coaching, and positive psychology. If you’re interested in how coaching can help you build your resilience, why not get in touch?

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd


1I’ve previously written about how it’s not events in life that affect you, it’s the personal meaning that you attach to those events (typically because they’ve destabilised or taken away some core aspect of your sense of identity). It’s a little out of the scope of this article, though.

2It’s important to know that the loss of resilience is something that happens in response to normal life experiences. It is typically temporary. This needs to be distinguished from abnormal physical or psychological trauma, such as childhood abuse or involvement in a major road traffic accident. These kinds of traumatic life events are not part of our normal life experience, and any inability to cope with them is never any reflection on your capability. If this has happened to you, there is help out there. You may wish to read about PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) here.

 

 

Awareness

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I’ve been doing a fair bit of mindfulness meditation recently. Last week I went for a walk in Tocil Wood and the bluebells were still going strong. I was listening to a guided walking meditation and it reminded me that it was natural and ok for my thoughts to be wandering. I did notice them wandering several times, but each time I simply reminded myself of what I was seeking to focus on, and brought my thoughts back.

It occurred to me that this is very much like life in general. I’ve posted before about the chaos theory of careers, and how we shouldn’t expect to continually be on the path that we may have mapped out for ourselves. On the road we will see things off to the side that catch our eye. There will be holes in the path, and unexpected diversions. The important thing is not dogged faithfulness to the road but the awareness of when we are travelling away, and the ability to stop and correct our direction of travel as required.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Attachment and detachment

IMG_7338In the past couple of weeks I’ve been talking to people about the difference between a goal-oriented mindset and a systems mindset, and the difference between commitment to action and attachment to the outcome of that action.

I recently learnt about two terms in Ancient Greek, telos and skopos. The distinction is that, unlike skopos, telos suggests an end or goal not in the sense of the thing you aim at, but rather your aiming at that end. In other words, telos = doing or getting something, and skopos = the thing done or begotten.

I like this distinction because the way in which we set goals for ourselves can affect our motivation and sense of achievement. To give an easy-to-visualise example – if you were an archer learning to shoot, your skopos might be to hit a bullseye, whereas to shoot well might be your telos. Similarly with the difference between aiming to lose twenty pounds in two months and eating well every day, or making a million pounds vs. building a business that’s true to your values. Your telos is absolutely within your reach, but your skopos is likely to depend on factors not always within your control.

So what’s the lesson? The importance of learning to detach yourself from the results of your actions. Another way you might choose to look at this is learning to appreciate the process, not just the outcomes. Achievement is not always marked by the tangible and the concrete. And life should not be viewed through the lens of success and failure, but rather in terms of all the experiences that make you who you are.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

I choose everything

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What do you think of when you hear the word ‘acceptance’? If we can’t undo or change something, we need to learn how to accept it, rather than living in the ‘what-if’ and the ‘if-only’; all this serves to do is freeze and frustrate us and stop us from taking positive and meaningful action. Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation, and it doesn’t signify giving up. It means understanding that this life has a rhythm, a heartbeat; space for both the beautiful and ugly, both pain and joy. I like the way St. Therese of Lisieux puts it: “I choose everything.”

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I choose this life. I choose everything.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Sound and silence

IMG_7278This week I’ve been thinking about the power of silence. Like light and dark, or sleep and being awake, or pain – the importance of the spaces between the noise is that they are sound’s necessary counterfoil, teaching us to understand and value the rhythms of life and its absences and presences. In coaching, silence is hugely important – it is in that quiet space that the heavy lifting happens.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Awareness and experience

IMG_7260Mindfulness helps us learn that experience is as important as knowledge. Last Thursday I took most of the day off and was lying on the decking in the back garden, eyes closed, soaking in the beginning of a beautiful week. Birdsong, the kiss of the sun, the alternate ripple and roar of traffic in the background. Focusing on breathing and being aware of the things around me that I don’t usually notice. All too often we are caught up in doing and thinking, and we forget how to just be.

Experience is simple. As they say, it just takes time. What are you doing now? Scrolling aimlessly through your saved blogs and social media feeds? Stop. What is your experience of here and now? Become aware of this moment. Close your eyes, listen, and feel.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

The power of positivity

IMG_7257The power of visualisation and deciding to be positive. I received lovely feedback from some clients a couple of weeks ago who said that they found me very energising to be around! I do find that positive energy is infectious – not just for those around you but for yourself. It is possible to decide to be happy. There are lots of things we can’t control, but we are certainly in control of how we choose to react and relate to the world. Decide to be positive, and you start to attract positivity.

Photo: Photo: From “How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big”, Scott Adams

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd