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Confidence and motivation

Words to myself, at 10, 15, 18, 21, 32…

IMG_8161I am really proud of how this little girl has turned out.

If I had the chance to say something to her at the age of 10, I’d say things get a lot better. The days won’t always be so dark. You won’t always be bullied and this is making you much, much stronger.

If I had the chance to say something to her at the age of 15, I’d say that you are incredibly beautiful, and strong, and perfectly enough. You have always been perfectly enough. Let those who love you support you.

To her at the age of 18, I’d say this relationship is not good for you. Know that others love you so much and the world isn’t going to end if you break up with him. You will learn to value and love yourself and how to stand up for yourself. You’ll learn how not to be emotionally blackmailed.

To her at 21, I’d say that others don’t love you because of your grades and your achievements. Truth be told, these things matter quite little in the larger scheme of things. People love you just because you are you. No matter what.

To her at 32, I would say that you don’t have to be a perfect mum, wife, daughter, employee. You don’t have to be perfect, full stop.

And to her at 35, I’d say you’ll hit rock bottom, but the only way is up. And what a fabulous journey it’s going to be. I promise. Things won’t always be easy, but you’ll finally have learnt to love yourself. And it’s then that you will truly be able to give, give, give. God had a plan for you after all. And you’ll be filled with gratitude.

Looking forward to whatever’s round the corner. This world is so big and so full of promise.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Happiness

Life should be an adventure

I went wandering last week while I was in Singapore and found myself in the National Gallery.

I’m reading a book called “A Little Nostalgia for Freedom” and in it Bonham writes: “…a nostalgia for lives not lived, adventures not taken and possibilities surrendered…”. How many of us surrender to habit and the daily grind, only to look back and say “I wish I had”? All the things you didn’t do, all the things you wish you’d said.

Life is short, and there is no predicting when we’re going to go. Some people live more in twenty years than others do in eighty. It’s not the time that matters, it’s the person.

So what kind of person are you going to be? The one who embraces new experiences and manages to see magic and wonder in the little things? The one who realises that life is a wonderful adventure?

You don’t need to have big pockets or be a world traveller to be that person. You see, what this is all about is the pattern of living the everyday life and discovering that it is all an adventure.

Life has so much to offer you. Come grab it with both hands.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Self-care

Rest is not a dirty word

IMG_8143I was talking to a client last week about the importance of proper rest. So many of us are ultra-focused on achievement, reaching our goals and ticking things off on our ever-growing to-do lists, and we forget that rest is not a dirty word.

So we keep going until we’re exhausted and irritable, because we always cope. Don’t we? But then we reach breaking point and we crash, and after recovering we have to take time to put all our pieces back together.

Rest (and not as a last resort) is not only warranted but necessary. Even machines need regular servicing.

Today, why don’t you take time out to do nothing but sit with a cuppa and a book or a drawing pad, calming music in the background, and take a break from the doing to just be?

And massage. Definitely have a good massage.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Coaching

On control

I’ve been thinking about control. Learning what we can and can’t control is important, because often we get stressed trying to control and change the things we would be better off letting go and letting be, yet don’t realise that we aren’t making the most of the choices and control that we actually do have.

We always have a choice. We are not victims of our circumstances; we can choose how to react and respond in any situation. We all need to take responsibility for our actions and not blame others for what we choose to do. Make every choice count.

“Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.”

– Invictus, William Ernest Henley

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Perspective

Reminders

While in Singapore I had a rather Instagrammable window shopping trip, courtesy of Kikki K and Commune Home.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Creativity

On creativity

I love art. I never used to think I was a creative person – I wrote poetry and short stories, but always felt like I was imitating others badly. I told myself I was awful at drawing and painting. I was too shy to act. In short, I put myself in the ‘can’t hack it’ box because I was afraid of not being perfect.

Fast forward to now and all the things I have learnt over the past few years, and I have discovered so much, including that I am, and you are, and everybody is – an artist. We just need to learn how to let ourselves be creative. So many things stop us: perfectionism, our attitude towards risk, lack of self-esteem, and ultimately fear.

I’ll be writing more in coming weeks about creativity. For now, I’ll leave you with these snapshots of pieces I saw when on holiday in Singapore a couple of weeks ago.

1) Robert Jahns, “NYC balloons”, Lumas Gallery
2) Milenko and Delia Prvacki, part of “Interchange”, Dhoby Ghaut MRT station, Singapore
3) Nancy Lee, “Umbrellas Movements”, Lumas
4) Sun Yu-Li, part of “Universal Language”, Dhoby Ghaut MRT station, Singapore
5) Andy Warhol, “Cans”, Lumas

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Perspective

New perspectives

IMG_7701I grew up in Singapore, but I’ve spent more than half my life in the UK. When I return for visits now, I’m a tourist. The tourist lens is a really valuable one to cultivate – things are new, and you instinctively look at them from unusual angles, with eyes that aren’t clouded with familiarity and routine. New perspectives, new possibilities.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Articles

About talking, and being scared

I’m on tour in Singapore for the next fortnight and the iPad isn’t really cooperating so I’m going with the flow and keeping it simple. A short text post this week, therefore.

I’ve been thinking a lot about communication and dialogue. Last night I had a long, intense conversation about moral theology, doublespeak, homosexuality and transgender issues, the principle of double effect, relativism, and diagnoses of madness coming ever closer to the boundary of ‘normal’. It got slightly charged at some points, and if I had been feeling vulnerable, the way in which my language and opinions were criticised would have cut pretty close to the bone. In the past I have mostly shied away from discussions like this as I have always felt unable to confidently articulate what I believe – I have felt intimidated by what I perceive to be others’ superior knowledge or intelligence. As it was, I think I held my ground. I asked questions and sought clarity, and was forthcoming in expressing my objections about the language of some of the criticism. My interlocutor withdrew the term of criticism that I’d taken exception to. We found we agreed on more than we may have initially thought, and politely respected each other’s positions where we disagreed, recognising that our different life experiences and influences will have shaped the views we hold. The me of five years ago would have avoided engaging with what turned out to be a rather valuable conversation in the end.

Separately, Trump and Kim are coming to Singapore next week for what will undoubtedly be an interesting conversation. And separately again, a close friend is having a meeting this week which is really significant in terms of opening up the channels of communication for important future dialogue.

What determines the quality of our interactions? We all come to the table with various assumptions, preconceived notions, biases, hopes and expectations. Sometimes we take risks in entering that dialogue. Sometimes potentially major ones, in the case of North Korea vs America chez Singapore, but more often than not, the risks we perceive are simply to our comfort and emotional and psychological security. To put it bluntly, on some level, when it comes to conversations that are emotionally charged in some way or which can trigger our insecurities, lots of us are scared.

So what do you do, if you are? Well, in the words of Susan Jeffers, face the fear and do it anyway. We don’t get less scared through avoidance; we get less scared through accepting that we’re scared and then engaging with the fear, because you need to practice to get better at anything. Progress can be slow, but you don’t grow unless you start the journey. Three things that have helped me: learning how the art of questioning can help you; being absolutely clear about what you think and what you want (if you’re going into a conversation with a purpose); and realising that you often know more than you think about any given subject.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this. Drop me a message!

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Career management and planning

Awareness

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I’ve been doing a fair bit of mindfulness meditation recently. Last week I went for a walk in Tocil Wood and the bluebells were still going strong. I was listening to a guided walking meditation and it reminded me that it was natural and ok for my thoughts to be wandering. I did notice them wandering several times, but each time I simply reminded myself of what I was seeking to focus on, and brought my thoughts back.

It occurred to me that this is very much like life in general. I’ve posted before about the chaos theory of careers, and how we shouldn’t expect to continually be on the path that we may have mapped out for ourselves. On the road we will see things off to the side that catch our eye. There will be holes in the path, and unexpected diversions. The important thing is not dogged faithfulness to the road but the awareness of when we are travelling away, and the ability to stop and correct our direction of travel as required.

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

Coaching

Choose happiness

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When are you going to be happy? When you get there? Or when you realise that happiness is already here with you for the taking – and all you need to do is choose it? Yes, I’m telling you that you can choose to be happy. If you don’t know how, come work with me and find out.

Photo: Happiness Ahead, Silvia Otte

– Written by Natalie Snodgrass Tan, Quiet Space Ltd

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